I don't think things could be more confusing for me. I don't know what I want: I think I do, both Sait and Sophie say or even shout the same to me: "Angel!" - lust and love have met in her. I have no idea though whether these would be reciprocated, I have no idea if they should be. If I were to define fair it would look as follows:
1. Tide gives up on me and gets into a happier relationship with someone who sees a real future with her,
2. Angel finds true love, someone to make her happy to,
3. I am left alone and grow miserable...
Sait, you know full well what I mean. I know you do. You hate that I do this, though. You hate that I feel like I deserve to be punished. I am causing so much pain though and I wish I wouldn't, I so very much wish I wouldn't. Why is Tide trying so hard to stay with me? Why does she not see that what we have is not going anywhere?
I want to forget Angel, get her completely out of my head and think about my relationship with Tide in that light. I more than want to do it, I have to do it. But how do I erase someone from my head? Someone I don't want to erase, someone I spend so much time thinking about, someone who actually sits right next to me at work. It's not true that I want to forget her, it's that I need to.
Sait and Sophie, I look to you for advice and even solice; but where I am now, I need something different, something more and I don't know where to get it. Perhaps I need strength and courage to face up to what I have done and even what I am doing now. I am causing pain and I am going to be causing more. That's the reality now. Neither of you is equipped to help me handle that. I will be heading to Siberia in two months time and I hope to be coming back with clarity on my side and ready to live once again between your innocent grasps, Sait and Sophie, struggling almost hedonistically between lust and love and far, far away from causing pain.
