It's ending with Tide. She went to bed without saying a word to me. I feel so bad, so guilty. As much as I like to say that there is no such thing as right or wrong, I cannot deny the existence of pain. I cannot deny my ability to cause it. I cannot deny how I hate causing pain, how it literally pains me to see the suffering I cause. I cannot deny any of it - I like to say and believe that right and wrong or good and bad are simply concepts we make up that do not exist outside us humans. I cannot deny though, that I feel bad, horrible even, for the pain I am causing Tide.
I want the pain to end, her life to go down the path it is destined for and mine to continue meandering senselessly with Sophie and Sait's voices whispering their virtues and vices in my ears. I love Tide - I love her; but I don't think I'm in love with her anymore: I don't know if I can be, eventhough I feel I need to be, I need to try harder.
It pains me to cause pain, yet I do it over and over again.
- That's why I say what I say, why I ask you to drop the emotions and enjoy pure passion and lust.
Sophie, I hear you; I understand you. But Sophie, my resolve is weaker than my heart and my heart cannot be held under lock and key.
- Which is why I tell you not to listen to Sophie, you are an emotional beast, you need to follow your heart...
And Sait, how can you not see that following your advice is what brings on pain and suffering?
- Pain and suffering are part of love and part of life, you cannot get the good without the bad and your emotions will always get the better of you. You cannot pretend to be able to live the life that Sophie wants for you. You can fantasize about it, dream about it; but you cannot live it.
But Sait, what if I don't want what you propose either? I want to have something that works and that lasts - my emotions skip and jump and lead only to pain. I exaggerate, they lead to love, too, but the suffering is so painful that it blinds me, it leaves me unable to see hope. It's not only the suffering that makes me unable to see hope though, Sait, it's in fact my past that kills all hope. I look back and see me killing one bond after the next: I get closer and closer and then leave my lover alone and naked, stripped of all emotional defences. I cannot keep doing this: it pains me too much and hurts her too much. This is what makes me want to listen to Sophie and follow her.
Sait and Sophie, I need to find a third path. I cannot strip myself of my emotions; but I cannot either keep on causing so much pain and suffering...
